Today was a hard day for me. I woke up and the kids just did not want to listen. Shocker right? I understand that kids can’t be expected to be responsive and obedient to your every command but there is, what I would call, a baseline of attention that, given your children’s personality, you can reasonably expect for them. Well that baseline was effectively non-existent this morning. Truth be told, it was irritating and made the morning even more of a struggle than what it had already been but that was merely it…a struggle.
But the fun never stops, as the old adage goes, ‘when it rains, it pours’, and this forecast sure did not disappoint in that regard. The next pain point of the day materialized with work performance. Lately, we have been taking on projects that we ought to have done weeks in advanced but given being other obligations, a job that has unannounced bouts of overtime, plus a pregnant wife…You become, in a manual labor way…A single father of sorts. Granted that isn’t completely true as I’m sure the single dads are rolling their eyes and the ladies out there are sharpening pitchforks. To be more, ‘middle of the road’, lets just be honest and admit that the men are stepping up a lot more than usual and its overwhelming at times. Anyway, work, its been rough. those projects have required a lot of heavy lift as we played musical rooms with three bedrooms. At some point my body felt it necessary to remind me that I am, in fact, old and I had suffered a strain in my back and it was rather serious as I am not one take pain relievers unless its absolutely necessary…I had to take the max dose for 2 weeks straight and even then I was considering going to urgent care and possibly taking time off work to give my back a break. So performance at work suffered and I don’t take that well given that my employer has only one field technician, yours truly. At some point prior to today I had went into a anxiety attack and I am still trying to recover from that.
Not finished. As I just stated, the wife is pregnant and we are expecting soon. Well, pregnancy causes stuff to hurt and shift…and that can directly or indirectly shift one’s feelings in a negative way. Today…was that day….’it pours’. Ill save the juicy details and just summarize that my wife, even when not pregnant isn’t the best person when it comes to consideration. She feels her feelings very hard and in doing so it blinds her to the humanity or compassion that one would need in order to keep a conversation civil. So the plot went as such;
Wife gets upset and makes a borderline passive aggressive comment. My reactive self kicks in and instantly gets offended and defensive. She justifies her way of handling it while also arguing the main issue. I acknowledge her feelings and her complaint and then proceed to explain my displeasure in her way of going about the conversation and also state my perspective on the complaint. At some point the argument isn’t about the issue at all and it becomes a matter of her arguing that I shouldn’t be upset and list off logic as to why. At some point she said something to the tune of, “why should I need to validate you”?
Ouch! now I could make this post about how screwed up that was to say or why some one should reasonably expect some level of validation, as she calls it, when to me it is, listening and seeking understanding from your partner. But that isn’t the post and though I have no issue publicly discussing the broad brush strokes of our marital arguments, I draw a line where discussing an issue and appealing support for my side of the issue meet at the DMZ.
So why discuss this, well, these issues when added up, created a level of stress and depression in me but this time something changed…something didn’t occur that normally does. I didn’t feel as if I was a failure or a bad person. So for this post I wish to give you my take of self worth.
Have you ever felt that your worth was tied to how your job considers your output? Perhaps you feel overly hurt, extremely angered or upset by your partner’s remarks about your character or your actions and ties it to your character. Maybe instead it is you that has been making the correlation. That is me, by the way, I do in fact have an issue with needing validation. I need to know by those I care about and trust, that I am, “a good boy”, and yes it is cringe worthy to me as it may be for you. That is how I was brought into adulthood and I now needed to find a way out of that trap. I would like to say now that on the whole, I am not that way anymore. It does come up from time to time but I have developed a few logical solutions that all I must do is remind myself of in order to shut down the unhealthy need.
You are allowed to be a human and being one means you make mistakes
Stoics, Christians and Buddhists agree. You are a human and being one means to err. So consider that when you make a mistake, that is ok.
For stoicism, that is within human nature to screw up at times.
For Christ, the bible even makes it clear we make mistakes as that is the whole point of forgiveness.
For buddha, even he brings about a story of a man infamous for murdering and yet in spite of his past mistakes he was offered a path to right living.
What you can not control is not yours to posses.
This is a 2 part message, one for you to remind yourself about your ego and the second to remind you of the person who you feel harmed by. Firstly, it happened and you can only feel that experience and choose to make the best possible choice for yourself because you have no control over what has happened and what was said, accepting that puts into perspective that being angered and impulsive for a wrong done to you will not change any future outcome as you do not get to control anyone other than yourself and all you will achieve is more suffering and you abandoning your ability to choose indifference. Secondly, ask yourself if I don’t own something I can not control then how can I reasonably expect someone to own my worth if they can not even control it to avoid their displeasure. The conclusion is that you alone hold the keys to your worth and you being harmed by another’s word is YOU allowing them to have a say in something they have no ownership in.
More importantly, you can not control how someone views you and because you can not control that….why take ownership of their words?
A popular life is a life with no freedom
Stoics heavily relied on the notion that a life not lived by virtue over fear of persecution is a life of a slave posing as a free man.
In Christianity it too also implies the same notion of logic, for if you sin you are responsible for that sin and its consequences…so therefor you own whatever you do. Just as Adam had to own his choices despite trying to push the blame to his partner. In fact, the whole bible is riddled with everyone choosing and suffering some consequence or receiving their just reward.
So to sum it up, when it comes to your self worth….remember it is called self worth for a reason. Don’t rob yourself of compassion and grace by letting those who simply aren’t you from having sway in your personal image. In the end, you are the one that lives this life, if people want to waste their time judging yours then let them meaninglessly and foolishly do so but that is all it is. Granted, keep in mind that healthy and good criticism can sometimes feel like a burn, so be mindful to not be closed off, experience the moment and feelings and judge what is helpful and what is just opinion.
Leave a Reply