Tonight, I just spent the last hour putting in the finer details about a favor and a selfless act and after finishing the 5 paragraph I just deleted it all. What came next is this post.
I have ADHD and to some degree I have, over the years of my childhood, attached my self worth to what other’s think of me. Now ADHD doesn’t inherently cause that but indirectly, when you can’t pay attention in class or you feel somewhat out of place socially because your falling behind in studies and your parents aren’t making that situation any better. You tend to get bombarded by a lot of criticism at a very young age.
I imagine at some point you produce one of the two personalities. Either a highly cynical child turned adult with a F*** you attitude or me…the kid that absorbs your opinion and treats it as fact. It was hard, not that anyone is asking but it was. It felt as if the world was against you and you couldn’t possibly do anything right. You might have moments where you get good or do something that garners merits and you live in those moments like a hero but at some point you will crash and it isn’t graceful or compassionate. It was a very hateful self talk to myself.
This blog was me reaching out of my comfort zone and sharing my adventure of seeking a place of tranquility where I could at least begin to look at myself and talk to myself in a way that didn’t sound like my dad reminding me of everything I had done wrong or that feeling of uselessness I would feel when he would silently and angerly due something for me because he felt you would screw it up and didn’t want to deal with that and didn’t care to take the time to teach me.
So that is why I speak about those philosophical schools of thought because I spent my adulthood chasing a way of thought that would finally answer the question I desperately wanted to hear the answer to and even more so, wanted so much to believe. That I was enough for myself. I want to say I found somethings. I found love and hope from Christianity. Peace and mindfulness from Buddhism and simple logic and a understanding of nature from Stoicism. I have found that just short of the deity aspect the traits and values are similar and each philosophy presents and explains them differently. My hope again for this blog is to share that.
But today, tonight rather. It is a low point and I accept that. It sucks, its not what I had hoped would be my night but it is and it will be and that is ok. At some point I just need to accept that life has these moments.
I hope this post finds you, the reader, well. I hope that your night or whatever time of day you are in is treating you well. I have found that the older I get the less I wish to seek for good and the more I seek ok days…good days always have a price to pay….its a balance. So ok is just in the middle, contentment would be another word I could use to describe it.
So without any material to go on and to be honest I feel for my own sake I need to step away from philosophical posts. I wish you contentment, may you feel safe, may you sleep well and may your days be productive and above all, may you know that life is rough, but I am glad and happy that you are in it with me.
Good night for now,
Justin
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