This week has been rather interesting. We are beyond 38 weeks and my wife was hoping that last weekend we would be bringing our son into this world. Life had other plans and it seems he will be staying cozy in the womb for now. Unfortunately this has been a struggle for my wife. Our last two kids she has brought into this world have either been induced or medical intervention was needed to carry the contractions. This has left my partner feeling that she is incapable of having a natural birth from beginning to end. Granted I don’t know much about what is considered normal and perhaps that isn’t the issue. After all, it isn’t societies normal that she feels she has let down, it is her version of normal that she feels she has fallen short of.
So there I was, listening to my partner tell me how much they are upset with how this pregnancy has seem to have been abnormal and how she fears that her laboring will end in her not finishing it with no epidural and no synthetic hormones to induce or carry contractions onward. To put it in more general terms, I saw a human being confide to me their fear of failing to live up to their ideal. Deeper yet, I saw my best friend break down into tears of defeat and frustration that she wasn’t enough. Yet deeper you may ask? I heard my partner break down and much more I felt it as if it were my own.
You often here about how transcendence sometimes get lassoed with this statement, “everything is connected”. I feel that in that moment, that is what I was experiencing with my partner. A moment where you feel you have this goal where you have often seen so many more attain before you and you wish nothing but for yourself to be among them. Just to realize that the attempt to summit isn’t easy, or perhaps obstacles always have you being placed further back the more you try to advance. At some point, people walk away from those ambitions, but what if it was one you felt you needed to have. This was your calling and giving up wasn’t going to do. That was this for her.
She not only wanted to give birth naturally and it happen within a normal gestation period but she wanted to be free of any medicinal support and she wanted to be able to work up until her day of labor and she wanted to be able to do some moderate house chores and duties. She soon realized the moderate house duties were a challenge. I can attest that most of the time she would walk away finishing a project or chore winded as if she was asthmatic and just got done doing a 3k run in the cold autumn air. But, she did it and to her credit she never let it stop her from trying again, granted she would complain about how tasking it was, but to be honest…I would be complaining too.
As for the gestation period, She understands she can’t control that but on the up shot at least this pregnancy was without special complications. Our first had a umbilical cord abnormality and her sac ruptured early so at some point under medical advice she needed to be induced. Our second was an early pregnancy and under medical advice it was urged that my partner take steroids to encourage lung growth under the expedited situation plus she was positive for a bacteria growth that would require antibiotics, which normally causes upset stomach…imagine how it would feel if you were pregnant…its more than just a upset stomach.
I mention all this because when she discussed her feelings of disappointment, I reminded myself of how much was up against her and that all these expectations were in some regard purely chance whether she would be capable of meeting her goals. But alas, I understood that this wasn’t about whether it was under her control or whether it even made logical sense. It was her feelings and she was disappointed with herself…so much so she broke down. It was at that moment, I remembered my own strife. I can remember wanting something so much but whether it be luck, lack of experience or just me not realizing how unattainable it truly was, I failed and that failure was not something I ever expected or let alone prepared myself for when it came. I could see myself there as well, in complete defeat over not only what didn’t become mine but the fear of going further and failing more.
I wanted to explain the logic and dismiss how her negative self talk just isn’t appropriate or constructive. I tried to explain that there is so much more that she is right now and has been that makes her so much more than her failures. But at some point I realized that preaching to disheartened only works when the disheartened are lost and looking for an answer…she wasn’t looking for one, she felt that in that moment her answer was that she felt like a failure and that she won’t be enough for who she wants to be. I had to accept that in that moment, that is who she felt like. I feel that all I could do was metaphorically sit beside her and say in silence, “I see you, I have been there too…”.
I think sometimes that the best way to be a friend, partner, emotional support. Isn’t to be the giver of answers or the fixer of problems. Its to be present and in the moment. To share a very genuine moment where it isn’t just you awkwardly sitting there listening to someone discuss their woes with you….but to relate and connect. To be there and ….be there…be in that moment. It says something, I believe, when you open your heart about your deepest negatives and you get to a point where you have a lump in your throat from holding back the tears just to quickly steal a glance at the listener to see them also holding back the tears as well.
My wife had a moment where she told me just that. That she gave me a vulnerable part of her to share and not only do I feel grateful that she bestowed that honor onto me (you would be surprised how much people wouldn’t tell you). I only hope that I can take that share and connect with it. For however complex and contorted relationships, emotions and life can be. I am glad that even though the moment wasn’t positive, it was something we got to share, we shared life, we connected over the low point and that isn’t something I want to take lightly.
I hope that you too have someone that you can connect with. Often times I feel, at least in my younger years, I imagined life and marriage to be filled with good moments. Waking up everyday with a smile on my face and care free. But I was wrong then, It is very much a pendulum where you have good and bad days and that is a normal life to me. That is the human experience and whether I anguish in the bad days or feel like king of the world on the good, it is something I am glad I get to experience. I am also glad I get to be in this world with you.
May you live life. The good and the bad. Those experiences whether you like them or not are what makes you and I human and allows us to connect. We may not agree or have even the same cultural norms but I can guarantee that you and I can remember a time we laughed so hard we felt we would never be able to catch our breath or how about when we felt embarrassed about something we did foolishly perhaps 10 years ago and still feel embarrassed about…yeah, sorry for reminding you…but we can relate and that is something that goes beyond gender, race and nation.
If you could be so kind, Please leave a comment on this post as it helps me understand what the audience enjoys reading. Thank you
Leave a Reply